Retro Mama #9

I'm sure I'm not the only mama out there who has this problem...  As of right now, I'm a stay-at-home-mom.  It's something Hubs and I discussed when we learned I was pregnant with Bunkey, when we looked at the situation with my nursing license and the coursework I'd need to complete to finish my BSN/RN, and mostly when we learned the details of his orders and our length of stay here in Monterey.  It just didn't make sense for me to go back to work, or to school, and place a new baby in day-care full-time.

I spend my days caring for our son, running errands, cooking, cleaning, and general housewifery.  It's not a decision we took lightly, nor it is one I'd change if given the chance (though it's not a long-term/permanent situation, either, and that's by choice).  In the evenings I cook dinner, clean up the kitchen, tidy the lower level, and then do the bath and bedtime routine. By 9:00 I'm exhausted.

For some reason my husband doesn't understand my angst.  He doesn't get it when I tell him I'd like a day off too.  He seems to think that since he spent the entire day at work or in class (he's currently in an MBA program at Naval Post-Graduate School), by the time he gets home he should be allowed to relax, with little to no responsibility.  We've had more than our fair share of arguments discussions about our differing opinions on this matter.

To be fair, my husband does do his "chores".  He's in charge of car cleaning and maintenance, taking out the trash, doing his own ironing, and making his breakfasts and lunches.  In turn I do the grocery shopping, cleaning, the majority of "Bunkey chores", and make dinner every night (except for one night a week when we eat out).  This system works for us, and for the most part I really can't complain.

But then there are times like this weekend.  This weekend was a drill weekend for me.  Since my unit drills two hours away, I typically drive up Saturday morning and spend the night and arrive back home late Sunday evening.  Hubs is 100% in charge during those weekends.  He feeds Bunkey all meals, does bath/bedtime, all the diaper changes and naps, takes him to church, etc.  But this weekend my unit attended a special conference here in Monterey.  No two-hour commute.  No hotel.  No greasy pizza delivered to my room for dinner.  I was really excited to be able to come home after work!  Until I actually got home, and Hubs seemed to think that since I was there it was business as usual.  He resisted (but ultimately caved in) when I told him he was still in charge of coming up with something for dinner.  He pouted (and then reluctantly complied) when I told him I wasn't going to make or feed Bunkey his supper.  He flat out complained when I told him in no uncertain terms would I be doing bath or bedtime, that I was simply too tired (but when I offered to at least come upstairs and keep him company, he yielded to my request).

Why is it so hard for my husband to put the shoe on the other foot?  Why does he think he's entitled to an evening of relaxation but I'm not?  Why does he not see that parents don't really have time to relax, particularly when they don't share the responsibilities more equally?

I shouldn't paint my husband in such a bad light.  He honestly didn't complain that much, and when I did remind him that I'd been working all day and he "hadn't" (and did so begrudgingly because I know that taking care of a toddler is, in fact, work) he hopped right off the couch and did his duty as Mr Mom.  And on Sunday, when I came home not only exhausted from a second full day of sitting in a large auditorium listening to lecturers, but also was really not feeling well, he didn't say a word.  He fed Bunkey, even made himself dinner since I didn't feel like eating and even the sight of food made my tummy twist into knots, gave Bunkey a bath, put him to bed, and then cleaned up the kitchen.  Oh, and then jokingly began to call himself a "House-husband"!

But I'll admit that I am a bit hesitant about how our lives and roles will change in the coming years.  It's never been part of the plan for me to stay at home forever.  It's always been the plan for me to eventually go back to school, finish my second degree, and then go back to work.  Luckily full-time nursing can mean three days a week, so it's very flexible for women who want the benefits of a homelife and a career.  Either way, is my husband going to relent to the fact that our roles will change when that happens?  Does he realize, and is he willing, to take on more chores and responsibilities around the house?  Will he clean the way I like to clean, or will he clean like a man (i.e. sweep crumbs right onto the floor)?

I shouldn't worry.  I should just let things be, knowing that, when the time comes, we'll work things out, as we always have.  I should realize that my husband and I are on the same team, that he's a good guy that only wants me to be happy and successful.  I should know that I have nothing to worry about.  But I do.  Change can be scary.  Unknowns can be scary.  It's too easy to fall into the mold of habits, and I hope that we can both embrace new habits as they become necessary for the new chapters in our lives...

They're coming sooner than we'd like to admit!