OK, so this week my clinical rotation for nursing school has taken me far into the depths of the Women's Center...the Nursery. At first I was apprehensive, reminding myself that the last time I took care of an infant was my little brother, 18 years ago, and that I haven't even changed a diaper in about 12 years, since I stopped babysitting for gas money! But now, after just two days in the hospital's nursery (my last day is tomorrow), I'm hooked. Stroking baby cheeks, rocking infants to sleep, cooing comfort into cribs, and yes, even the less glamorous jobs of changing diapers and burping have given me a case of baby fever in a big way.
I don't know if it's having two and a half years of marriage and a couple deployments under my belt or simply a few days working amongst babies and their mamas or even just my biological 27 year-old clock ticking away, but I want a baby. To the point where I have Hubs programmed to where he won't have a drink until he's confirmed my menstrual status and whether or not we will try on any particular night. Really, he wants a baby as much as I do, or at least almost as much as I do, since sometimes I can't tell (especially during the summer of refinancing, refurbishing, and selling houses, which has obligated a ton of our nest egg), but I do know that he does want children...at some point, so why not now?!?! And I get into the battle between being a task and an act of love that is supposed to be fun! I mean, conception should not be a chore, should it? Yet, if The Day happens to be a day that involves a stupid little spat, do I really want to sulk and therefore obligate myself to waiting for another 28 days??
At the same time, though, it simply amazes me that, even when we get over whatever stupid little thing makes the evening less than perfect, I'm in awe of the mystery of Did We? or Didn't We? It's an incredible miracle, at least to Hubs and me, that we could have possibly created Life in just a few moments, and changed our lives forever. It's impossible to comprehend how one minute we could be picking at each other, and the next we're sharing this amazing bond where we've never been more in love because we might be fulfilling our wish to become parents and a family. I just find it totally impossible to imagine that something I once put so much stock in being totally spontaneous can now be even more romantic even though it's planned and scheduled (at least as much as is possible). I mean, I can barely contain myself when my mom tells me that she and my dad are entertaining the thought of moving overseas (even though in my heart I know this possibility is totally far-fetched and that they're about as likely to move to Italy as I am to win the lottery...especially since I've never even bought a ticket!) because I don't want them to be far away as Hubs and I embark upon this new journey of totally unmarked territory.
Not only that, but when push comes to shove, I remember how my feelings on the subject of parenthood have drastically changed. There was a time in my life not too long ago, when the worst thing in the world would be to become pregnant. Where I cursed myself every time I went without double-protection, yet never felt the need to chart any sort of cycle. Now, I live in a world of calendars and temperatures, always calculating the optimal time, holding back for a few days to ensure the best possible outcome, ever imagining the moment when I'll discover that I have Life growing within me, the moment when I'll tell Hubs he'll be a Daddy, when we'll tell my parents they're soon to be Grands... No words can describe the rush of emotions; it really is miraculous!
At the end of the day, I want children. I want to feel them moving within me. I want to feel the rush of emotions when I deliver a baby. I want a family. I can't wait... And yes, I hope that I am pregnant before my brother's birthday at the end of the month. I want so much to share that moment when my entire family is around me, to feel the love that my unborn child will be surrounded with for his or her entire life...
Kate, my dear, don't forget to breathe ;o) it helps. Lots.
ReplyDeleteI love following this journey with you - I have you in my prayers... it's a beautiful time, this trying to conceive. God has a plan, so let Him worry a little more about timing and you enjoy a little more the... ahem... action. And the cheapie pregnancy tests, by the way, work just as well as the expensive ones, so stock up... if you're anything like me, you'll take one or two a day starting about a week before your monthly is due :-p Good luck!
Haha....thanks Melis! It's just been very emotional this week, since I'm working in the nursery. So many beautiful moments and happy memories being made, yet also some very sad situations too. It makes my heart hurt to see the world some of these babies are being born into and knowing that they will do without so many things you and I take for granted in our families.... On the plus side, I go see my kick-ass doctor in two weeks or so maybe it'll turn out to be an OB appointment instead of a GYN one!! :-)
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