50 Things a Woman Should Never Do

I "stole" this post from Yummy Mummy, who borrowed it from Joe and loved it, so I thought I'd play along! Enjoy!

1. Buy underwear at a thrift store. Ew. Ick. Yukky. Sorry, but I really don't buy any clothes from thrift stores because I'm a germophobe...but I do donate my old clothes to a local hospital's thrift store...

2. Tell another woman, “You don’t look that fat.” Not unless it was true. Of course, I'd also never tell a woman she looked fat (unless she asked) because, as my Mamaw says, "some things are better not said".

3. Stab another woman in the chest with a salad fork for saying, “You don’t look that fat.” If I was dumb enough to ask the question, then I deserve to hear the truth; however, I don't consider myself dumb...

4. Believe a man who is not making eye contact but says, “Go ahead, I’m listening.” My response to this is usually along the lines of, "It's ok, I'll wait for you to finishing scratching your ass so you can give me the courtesy of your attention when I'm speaking."

5. Get a “tramp stamp” on your lower back. No ink on me!

6. Get a tattoo anywhere. See #5

7. Get a mullet.

8. Date one of your girlfriend’s exes. They weren't serious, and it was a small school. Impossible to not recycle boyfriends!

9. Inject a neurotoxin into your face. No thanks. I enjoy making facial expressions too much.

10. Expect your relationships to be anything like a romantic comedy. Certain parts of my marriage are quite comedic, but to be 100% like a movie is simply not realistic, or, in my opinion, desirable.

11. Take advice from Oprah’s latest guru. I'll second Yummy Mummy: I wouldn't even take advice from Oprah herself.

12. Be rude to a server. There's no need to sink to their level. There are ways to verbalize your expectations of quality service without being ugly.

13. Let anyone mentally, physically, or verbally abuse you or your children.

14. Apply eye makeup while driving and/or stopped in traffic. Guilty. But in my defense, I was in stand-still traffic so bad I had my car in Park.

15. Ask your man, “Do you think she looks prettier than me?” (He doesn’t. He really, really doesn’t.) Again, I'm not stupid enough or insecure enough to feel the need to ask such a question.

16. Eat garlic, spinach, or corn on the cob on a first date. Only because he had the same Caesar side salad.

17. Wear makeup to bed. I may not take my contacts out, but I always wash my face. It's easier than washing the sheets...

18. Attend a wedding looking better than the bride. Looking better than and actively trying to upstage are two very different things; which are we talking about here?

19. Apologize for being modest or chaste. I'd never apologize for any of my beliefs. Nor would I expect any one else to.

20. Think anyone wants to see pictures of your cat(s). I'm not a cat person...

21. Let a girlfriend who has been drinking go anywhere with a man she just met.

22. Take off your clothes anyplace someone has a camera or video recording device. Does my own home count here?

23. Make excuses for your kid’s obnoxious behavior. Like cats, I have no children...but when I do, I promise I'll make them behave!

24. Buy something you don’t need just because it’s on sale. What about just buying something I don't need?

25. Run down a girlfriend behind her back. My friends and I are quite honest with each other. I think that is why we're still friends.

26. Keep a stuffed animal on your bed after the age of sixteen.

27. Get on the back of a motorcycle with a man who is younger than your dad. I've never been on a motorcycle; they scare the crap out of me!

28. Ignore signs of cancer in the hopes that it will just go away.

29. Fall in love with a “bad boy.” You gotta do it one time, just to see how much of a DB he is. It's all about making mistakes but learning from them...I'm a firm believer that you have to have your heart broken at least once so you know what you are and are not looking for in a life-long partner!

30. Refuse to tell a man what you really want for your birthday and then be disappointed by the gift you receive. Hubs knows exactly what I want. He either has a specific item or very specific guidelines, depending on the level of surprise he wants to impart on the gift. Appliances must always be specifically asked for and every guideline followed to a T; jewelry is usually more open-ended...but Hubs has great taste, so I'm never disappointed.

31. Provide the sole financial support for a man who is not disabled or completing his education. In the name of full disclosure, I'd have to say that I don't think I could be with a man who hadn't completed his education and was living on his own, so I'd therefore never risk being his financial supporter.

32. Go more than six months without telling your dad how you feel about him. I tell my Daddy I love him every time I see or talk to him! Same goes for all my family members!

33. Agree to be on a reality show with the words, “Real Housewives”, “Bachelor,” or “Bret Michaels” in the title. I don't even watch them, so I doubt I'd get the urge to be on one.

34. Dig your key into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive, carve your name into his leather seat, take a Louisville slugger to both head lights, and slash a hole in all four tires. I've been tempted, but no matter how much he deserved it, I wasn't willing to go to jail for him; clearly he wasn't worth that! [Note: I am clearly not talking about Hubs here.]

35. Expect to find a man in the twenty-first century like Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Those men are typically not heterosexual these days, so we probably wouldn't attempt that sort of relationship; we'd just be fabulous shopping buddies!

36. Tell your man, “You really didn’t have to.” (He did. He really, really did.) He probably really did, but I can at least put on a facade of graciousness...

37. Expect a man to understand why you like diamonds. I don't need to expect it, because Hubs understands that jewelry and girls is similar to power tools and guys...and he doesn't hide the fact that he enjoys buying me quality timeless pieces that will remain in my jewelry box for the next 60 years...I have the best husband ever!

38. Limit your Bible reading to the verses in your self-help orientated devotional. I don't really read the Bible. I'm Catholic and we typically don't study the Bible the same way other religions do...

39. Serve in combat (unless your name is Joan of Arc). Sorry, Joe, but I have a little problem with this. My whole family is military and I was Active Duty for four years, completing three deployments (two of which were in support of Iraqi/Enduring Freedom). So yes, I'm guilty of this...and also incredibly and unabashedly proud!!

40. Flirt irresponsibly. I'm married; I no longer flirt.

41. Give unsolicited advice about breastfeeding. Being childless, I wouldn't even know what advice to give.

42. Pierce any body part that is lower than your neck. I used to want to pierce my belly button (when I was 16). I'm glad my mom wouldn't let me!

43. Write “Hey Cutie. How’ve you Been? I miss you!” on your now-married, former boyfriend’s Facebook wall. None of them are even Facebook friends of mine...

44. Use profanity in any situation where your toe is not stubbed. Guilty as charged; I, too, have my less-than-lady-like moments. Damn! :-)

45. Remain desperately at home inventing lovers who call to say, “Come dance with me,” and murmur vague obscenities after the age of seventeen. Huh? Who does that?

46. Be surprised when a man is unable to read you mind. Even if he can't read my mind, after being together for almost five years, he should know certain things about me and how I'll react to certain situations...

47. Assume that a stay-at-home mom doesn’t “work.” Assuming anything about the way people raise their families is not a debate I want to have. When I have kids, I'll figure out what works best for my family and I'll do my absolute best to be a good mother. No one can expect any more or less from me. I'll simply state that there are good SAHMs and bad SAHMs just as there are both good and bad working moms.

48. Assume that a work-outside-the-home mom is a bad parent. See #47.

49. Have a MySpace page after the age of 20. I had one for about 10 minutes.

50. Take advice from a serpent about what produce to eat. I wasn't aware that serpents, or any other animals, could speak to offer me such advise...

Eh....39 out of 50 isn't so bad.... What did YOU score?!?!